Shangri-La vs Reality

After a tumultuous week with the family followed by a houseful of weekend guests, I couldn't wait to get away escape for a few days to The Big Apple.  I have many happy places here at home but New York City is a place that can always make me forget the realities of home.   So many people living such different lives and for a stepmom moment, I was able to pretend I was one of them.  One morning, I parked myself on the St. Patrick's Cathedral steps with a Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice in hand and just watched the street traffic.  I walked thru Central Park, paid tribute to Lady Liberty and all the heroes of 9/11. I took advantage of a foot rub in Chinatown and dined in Little Italy.  It was wonderful and so refreshing. 

I'm baaaack!  

This was the text message I sent to my youngest son when I returned home last night.  I met my husband for a quick dinner to reconnect from our dumb fight before I left escaped and to rattle all of my adventures and of course, to hear how he did holding down the fort here at home.  Let's just say I had a better time than he did.  HA!  I can't say I don't love to see him sweat and hearing him acknowledge how much I really do, wasn't bad either.  

I have to put the disclaimer that I love my husband more than anything out there before I say the following....he's a softie, doesn't want to have to be the bad guy and our kids use this to their fullest advantage.  The kids, down to the dog, don't respect him because he's a marshmallow. This is just one of the many, many, many parenting style differences that we have been forced to work thru over the last decade.   My hubby is a great father with the best intentions but he never wants to be the bad guy. Don't worry sweetie, the enforcer is home again.  

I spoke to my 17 yo SD last week before I left to let her know that she need not try to take advantage of her father while I was away.  She had kitchen duty this week and since no one was here to tell her to do it and she knows her father wasn't going to say anything about it, she didn't do it.  Since she ran away last year and just returned to us a few months ago, things haven't been the same and we are struggling as she works to regain the trust that was lost.  To me, it's not about the kitchen chore but more so, the fact that she knew she was to do this each night but since she saw away around it, she took advantage of it.  The entire reason she ran away before was because we were enforcing rules with her.  I have to constantly battle myself to continue enforcing the rules with her exactly the same way I would do with my other children.  This battle awaits...

Welcome home!

Why It's All about Choice in a Stepfamily

When I first decided to start this blog, I needed an online journal as some sort of outlet.  I have never been one to keep a journal but nowadays, it may be what's saving me.  Where do you go when you need to vent?  Normally I would speak to my best friend, my partner, my husband but these days, we are both just trying to keep our heads above water that we each need to ensure our own survival without the added stress of a drowning partner as well. 

One of the most difficult lessons that I continue to learn over and over again, is that stepfamilies are all built on CHOICE.  Two people fall in love by choice.  Another decision to blend these two families into one is again, by choice.  I made the choice to be the best stepmother to my SKs, even on those days when I wanted to run LOL!  My husband made a choice to love my children.  Our extended families made a choice to welcome our new family.  Everything is a choice.

As I'm writing this, I am unsure of how much to share of my own stepfamily life but what the hell...here goes.  A couple of years ago, our 14 yr old SD made the choice to buy a bus ticket and run away from home to escape the consequences of breaking rules.  Three days later, the BM who has never been an active participant in her life, swooped in like a hero to take her precious daughter in.  Anywho, that worked out so well because my SD is back home (ugh, can you sense my sarcasm?)  At 14 years old, my SD made the choice to leave the only family she's ever really known to explore freedom from rules and a fantasy of a mother that quickly became her reality.  As her true mother, I am happy to have her safe and back home but I am so hurt and angry by her choice to leave us all in the first place.  Imagine, someone ripped your arm off, made jokes for a year about that arm being gone, then decides it wants to be a part of that body again.  This body has learned to live without its arm for a year and now that arm looks familiar but is having a hard time trusting it will work the same way again.  That's our family right now. 

As if that wasn't enough of a challenge for our family, my 18 yo bio son made his choice recently to turn away from us, the parents that have raised him, to chase a new girlfriend and live with his biodad and family.  Yes, we were nagging him daily to get his life plan together by going to school, the military, getting a job...something other than sleeping during the day and going out at night on our dollar.  The bum life and being taken care of seems to be his choice.  I'm hoping he will man up and at least own his decision to leave, instead of manipulating everyone with the 'they kicked me out' but I'm a dreamer.

Like I said before, I am learning that biological or step, it doesn't matter in the end.  Whether or not, you made the choice to take the high road with the bios the way we did, it just won't matter.  I don't feel better because I was more honorable, I feel like a fool.  When my husband and I first established this family, we didn't even know that loyalty would eventually be a choice for our children to make.  As they grow into adulthood, we are realizing (as heartbreaking as it is) that our stepfamily only exists by choice.  These children will come and go, so for it all to be worth it, I just want to be married and like my hubby when this is all over.

Why you can't afford to ignore the importance of a daily mantra

It is what it is. 

These are such simple words apart but when strung along together, they pack quite the punch.  Aha!  Quite comparable to a stepfamily, huh?  All different and unique members brought together by chance and when they fit together, man, that's really kind of nice. 

Is that why these words resonate with me?  Nah, not even close.  Friends, lately, I'm just trying to survive each day.  If I can find a smile, that's even better.  I used to think the first year of blending our families was the hardest time in our 10 years of stepping... Boy, was I wrong!  Our teens, bio and step, have all seemed to ban together to challenge that ruling over the last year.  They can be just plain stupid.  Rumor has it, they will mature someday.

Well I'm here to SHOUT that today is not that day.  I can tell you that on this SM journey we are all on, there will be more days than not when you feel defeated.  We all know when it rains, it pours.  In SM language, that means there are torrential downpours more often than not.  Perhaps, you find yourself struggling today to stay in line with your hubby's views on parenting yours, mine and ours (there goes my night); handling a crazy BioMomster (Grrr!) or working your a$$ off only to be dismissed with, "You're just the stepmom." (Oh nice, thanks).

Been there and still there. I'm confident that I've just described a day, month or year in your life too.  All these and many more are unfortunately, normal encounters and ongoing problems in the Day of a SM.  Sometimes there are just no answers or any immediate solutions.  Tonight, let's take a SM moment by calmly raising that extra glass of vino and remind our frustrated selves, "It is what it is."

What is your favorite mantra today?