Why It's All about Choice in a Stepfamily

When I first decided to start this blog, I needed an online journal as some sort of outlet.  I have never been one to keep a journal but nowadays, it may be what's saving me.  Where do you go when you need to vent?  Normally I would speak to my best friend, my partner, my husband but these days, we are both just trying to keep our heads above water that we each need to ensure our own survival without the added stress of a drowning partner as well. 

One of the most difficult lessons that I continue to learn over and over again, is that stepfamilies are all built on CHOICE.  Two people fall in love by choice.  Another decision to blend these two families into one is again, by choice.  I made the choice to be the best stepmother to my SKs, even on those days when I wanted to run LOL!  My husband made a choice to love my children.  Our extended families made a choice to welcome our new family.  Everything is a choice.

As I'm writing this, I am unsure of how much to share of my own stepfamily life but what the hell...here goes.  A couple of years ago, our 14 yr old SD made the choice to buy a bus ticket and run away from home to escape the consequences of breaking rules.  Three days later, the BM who has never been an active participant in her life, swooped in like a hero to take her precious daughter in.  Anywho, that worked out so well because my SD is back home (ugh, can you sense my sarcasm?)  At 14 years old, my SD made the choice to leave the only family she's ever really known to explore freedom from rules and a fantasy of a mother that quickly became her reality.  As her true mother, I am happy to have her safe and back home but I am so hurt and angry by her choice to leave us all in the first place.  Imagine, someone ripped your arm off, made jokes for a year about that arm being gone, then decides it wants to be a part of that body again.  This body has learned to live without its arm for a year and now that arm looks familiar but is having a hard time trusting it will work the same way again.  That's our family right now. 

As if that wasn't enough of a challenge for our family, my 18 yo bio son made his choice recently to turn away from us, the parents that have raised him, to chase a new girlfriend and live with his biodad and family.  Yes, we were nagging him daily to get his life plan together by going to school, the military, getting a job...something other than sleeping during the day and going out at night on our dollar.  The bum life and being taken care of seems to be his choice.  I'm hoping he will man up and at least own his decision to leave, instead of manipulating everyone with the 'they kicked me out' but I'm a dreamer.

Like I said before, I am learning that biological or step, it doesn't matter in the end.  Whether or not, you made the choice to take the high road with the bios the way we did, it just won't matter.  I don't feel better because I was more honorable, I feel like a fool.  When my husband and I first established this family, we didn't even know that loyalty would eventually be a choice for our children to make.  As they grow into adulthood, we are realizing (as heartbreaking as it is) that our stepfamily only exists by choice.  These children will come and go, so for it all to be worth it, I just want to be married and like my hubby when this is all over.