To BioMom from the Lady who Raised your Kids

To say I dislike the psycho BioMom (BM) in my life would be an understatement. Dislike was over years ago.   Over the last decade, I have learned which one of us is really the wicked one.

The other evening, I was reading through all the emails (a/k/a  "documentation")  we have exchanged back and forth over the years.
So. Many. Emails.  Of course, most of them are from me sending schedules, pictures and Xmas lists to the ever absent BM in hopes that she would care long enough to take the moment's interest.  

I've decided to share our last and most recent email exchange with you all.  I omitted a few words in order  to protect my family's privacy, but there's still plenty enough juicy meat on the bone.  Also, excuse her typos...she's been accused of being a lot of things, but the sharpest tool in the shed is definitely not one of them! 

Earlier this year, my SS18 honored me with his request for a legal adoption. After BM found out about this, I received this email...

I know now that this has always been a losing battle...and you win.

You have hurt the core of my soul.

Just know that not once have you thought "what if someone did this to me."

At least I feel that way.

What I feel does not matter.

I know understand evil and I will still look to God and not human actions.

In your dying bed you will finally realize so much that not even you can escape God's Judgement.

This event in our family was so meaningful and such an honor to us all.  How dare she just crap all over it?  Pissed I was.  So much so, I had to take a full day to clear my thoughts enough to respond...

I apologize for my delayed response.  

You are right.  Not once have I ever thought about what if someone did "this" to me.  The reason I have never given this a thought is because I have been an active participant in my children's daily lives from the time they were born.  I married DH and stepped into a full time active parenting role for SS and SD as well...Not ever trying to take your place, just investing everything into them the same way I do for my own.

I have always been respectful to you, even though there were many, many occasions over the years when it wasn't warranted.  I have gone above and beyond in order to support your role as a mother and make you a part of the kids' lives when they were growing up...Everything from emailing you pictures of them (one time you even asked me to email your sister phots of the kids too...Really?  You couldn't forward them to her??...but I did that too) to sending you sports schedules inviting you to every school function and even helping you set up a Facebook account so you could step up and take an active role and open those lines of communication with them.  DH and I were the exact definition of insanity for the levels of support up and to paying the money to keep you from going to prison, where you would still be, had we not stepped in to help you.

I understand your need to blame someone and that your level of comfort lies with being the 'woe is me sacrificing victim' in all of this.  I have observed firsthand that you have no limits and make up incredible lies and stories in order to support whatever truths you've conjured up in that crazy mind of yours.  It's shocking and frankly, quite sad.  It's always easier to blame someone else instead of owning up to the part we played in a situation.

Yes, BM, this battle is over.  Your power trip over us having to do for you is a thing of the past.  There is no need for me to remain silent and play nice for the sake of the kids.  The relationship you chose to have with them is all you.  As much as you want to put that on me...that's on you.  You want to believe I did something to you?  Okay.  The best quote that I absolutely love and will share with you is "Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.  With that said...

Still I wish you well.

I remember reading my message about one hundred times that day.  It was everything I ever wanted to say but couldn't.  I finally get to say my piece without any repercussions, backlash or consequence.  Kids are just about grown up and we are free of her wicked ways.  Still, that ugly bitter woman never ceases to amaze me. Her one line response, "How much money was paid to the lawyer so that I can pay it back?"  Needless to say, I didn't reply.
Moral of the story:

You can't fix stupid.  Some people just never get it.

Shangri-La vs Reality

After a tumultuous week with the family followed by a houseful of weekend guests, I couldn't wait to get away escape for a few days to The Big Apple.  I have many happy places here at home but New York City is a place that can always make me forget the realities of home.   So many people living such different lives and for a stepmom moment, I was able to pretend I was one of them.  One morning, I parked myself on the St. Patrick's Cathedral steps with a Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice in hand and just watched the street traffic.  I walked thru Central Park, paid tribute to Lady Liberty and all the heroes of 9/11. I took advantage of a foot rub in Chinatown and dined in Little Italy.  It was wonderful and so refreshing. 

I'm baaaack!  

This was the text message I sent to my youngest son when I returned home last night.  I met my husband for a quick dinner to reconnect from our dumb fight before I left escaped and to rattle all of my adventures and of course, to hear how he did holding down the fort here at home.  Let's just say I had a better time than he did.  HA!  I can't say I don't love to see him sweat and hearing him acknowledge how much I really do, wasn't bad either.  

I have to put the disclaimer that I love my husband more than anything out there before I say the following....he's a softie, doesn't want to have to be the bad guy and our kids use this to their fullest advantage.  The kids, down to the dog, don't respect him because he's a marshmallow. This is just one of the many, many, many parenting style differences that we have been forced to work thru over the last decade.   My hubby is a great father with the best intentions but he never wants to be the bad guy. Don't worry sweetie, the enforcer is home again.  

I spoke to my 17 yo SD last week before I left to let her know that she need not try to take advantage of her father while I was away.  She had kitchen duty this week and since no one was here to tell her to do it and she knows her father wasn't going to say anything about it, she didn't do it.  Since she ran away last year and just returned to us a few months ago, things haven't been the same and we are struggling as she works to regain the trust that was lost.  To me, it's not about the kitchen chore but more so, the fact that she knew she was to do this each night but since she saw away around it, she took advantage of it.  The entire reason she ran away before was because we were enforcing rules with her.  I have to constantly battle myself to continue enforcing the rules with her exactly the same way I would do with my other children.  This battle awaits...

Welcome home!