Why It's All about Choice in a Stepfamily

When I first decided to start this blog, I needed an online journal as some sort of outlet.  I have never been one to keep a journal but nowadays, it may be what's saving me.  Where do you go when you need to vent?  Normally I would speak to my best friend, my partner, my husband but these days, we are both just trying to keep our heads above water that we each need to ensure our own survival without the added stress of a drowning partner as well. 

One of the most difficult lessons that I continue to learn over and over again, is that stepfamilies are all built on CHOICE.  Two people fall in love by choice.  Another decision to blend these two families into one is again, by choice.  I made the choice to be the best stepmother to my SKs, even on those days when I wanted to run LOL!  My husband made a choice to love my children.  Our extended families made a choice to welcome our new family.  Everything is a choice.

As I'm writing this, I am unsure of how much to share of my own stepfamily life but what the hell...here goes.  A couple of years ago, our 14 yr old SD made the choice to buy a bus ticket and run away from home to escape the consequences of breaking rules.  Three days later, the BM who has never been an active participant in her life, swooped in like a hero to take her precious daughter in.  Anywho, that worked out so well because my SD is back home (ugh, can you sense my sarcasm?)  At 14 years old, my SD made the choice to leave the only family she's ever really known to explore freedom from rules and a fantasy of a mother that quickly became her reality.  As her true mother, I am happy to have her safe and back home but I am so hurt and angry by her choice to leave us all in the first place.  Imagine, someone ripped your arm off, made jokes for a year about that arm being gone, then decides it wants to be a part of that body again.  This body has learned to live without its arm for a year and now that arm looks familiar but is having a hard time trusting it will work the same way again.  That's our family right now. 

As if that wasn't enough of a challenge for our family, my 18 yo bio son made his choice recently to turn away from us, the parents that have raised him, to chase a new girlfriend and live with his biodad and family.  Yes, we were nagging him daily to get his life plan together by going to school, the military, getting a job...something other than sleeping during the day and going out at night on our dollar.  The bum life and being taken care of seems to be his choice.  I'm hoping he will man up and at least own his decision to leave, instead of manipulating everyone with the 'they kicked me out' but I'm a dreamer.

Like I said before, I am learning that biological or step, it doesn't matter in the end.  Whether or not, you made the choice to take the high road with the bios the way we did, it just won't matter.  I don't feel better because I was more honorable, I feel like a fool.  When my husband and I first established this family, we didn't even know that loyalty would eventually be a choice for our children to make.  As they grow into adulthood, we are realizing (as heartbreaking as it is) that our stepfamily only exists by choice.  These children will come and go, so for it all to be worth it, I just want to be married and like my hubby when this is all over.

Stepmoms should have to know their place

We are all one big SM family united by the same struggles, pains and frustrating situations.  Wrong. That's like saying all apples are the same and forgetting how many varieties that are out there.

Similarly, we can all be grouped into one or several of possibilities:  a new SM, a seasoned SM, the childless SM, the Full time SM or a SM with adult Stepkids (SK). Like I mentioned before, this list can go on for days and days I'm sure.

For me, I suppose I am a hybrid of most of these roles.  I have been a new SM.  After 10+ years as a Full-time SM, I would consider myself now a seasoned SM also.  I,  too, juggle my own demons as a BioMom (BM) with my adult son's SM.  

I'm taking a timeout to vent a few of my recent frustrations and allow my devilishly cute side to take over for a SM moment.

I believe I am higher up the "step" ladder than my son's SM of 4 years and she should learn to recognize her place.  Boom!  There ya have it.  I said it.

As eager as we all are as new SMs to build relationships with our SKs, everything tells us to respect boundaries and not move too quickly. Heed this warning!  For over a decade, I've watched my hubby pour all himself into my son.  How to ride a bike, how to throw a ball, how to drive, how to shave.   He was DAD everyday, even when it was the most inconvenient.  This new SM entered the picture four years ago when my son was 14 years old and she will purposefully tag him so we can all see her Facebook posts with her "oldest son".   I can count on my fingers the few times she has joined her husband on weekly visits with him.  This woman has kids of her own and in my mind, she has to know that the full-time parenting she does for them is NOT the same time and effort she puts into our son.  Both my husband and this woman are serving as a stepparent to this same child; however, one is working much harder for his title.  So ridiculous to even compare the two but it is what it is.

Earlier in the year, I  witnessed another new SM situation unfold in my extended family while a niece was getting married.  This new SM was upset because she was not invited to purchase the wedding dress.  BioMom gets this honor.  In this case, my BM self says rightfully so.  This new SM entered the picture after her SD was grown and out of the house.  She did not have a hand in raising her thus in my opinion, her expectations were way off and completely unrealistic.  

I am a hard working, full-time SM that happens to be a full-time BioMom too.  Same thing on the opposite end can be said for my husband.  We are the ones that have stepped up daily for years.  I am grateful that my son has another someone in his corner that wants to know him.  To this woman, I would say that there is a place for you here but I've earned my pretty seat.  Back off a bit and go earn yours.

Second Wife, Second Mom, Second Best?

Is there really something to the Second Wives Club?  Until I became one, I couldn't have been convinced. 

We have all experienced the nightmares of marrying a man who has already been married before. Perhaps you are currently experiencing the *joys* of a bitter ex-wife (rolling my eyes) or found yourself married to a widower. Well as SMs, shouldn't we get to toot our own horns just a tad bit more since we pull double duty with the crap of being part of this club and DUN-DUN-DUUUN...the Stepmom Club too? I'm so thrilled to hear you feel me on this one.

The other night, my family and I attended my niece's birthday party fashionably late as usual. What we missed was the showing of an old Xmas video from several years ago that my mother-in-law (MIL) was just dying for us to watch when we arrived. Out of respect for the second wives, my happily married forever bro-in-law suggested we watch it another time since the Ghost of someone's Christmas Past makes an appearance.

To my surprise, my MIL kept insisting that we all knew the first wife existed and who cared. She even went so far as to say her name out loud! GASP! At that particular moment, the word 'TRAITOR' came to mind.  On most days, my MIL is the most agreeable woman in the room yet on this particular evening, she was ready to tussle. After three rounds or so, she finally shut up.   I remember being so irritated that my MIL could have had such a disrespectful attitude not only towards us, the second wives, but also to her sons. If I think I'm going to a 12 yr old's party only to be bombarded with videos of the ex, my husband will be the one hearing about it on the drive home. My MIL is married to her high school sweetheart of 45 yrs and kept her nuclear family in tact. Of course, she wouldn't get it.

Anywho, we ended up watching the video later after everyone else went home. Luckily for me, it wasn't my husband's ex in the video so I could stomach it a little more. I watched my SKs as their cute tiny selves, dressed to the nines, giggle, dance and eagerly chat away about Santa's arrival. My hubby looked sad and quiet unlike now, where he is the life of every party. Even my SKs noticed this and I happily fired back with, he was sad because he hadn't met me yet.  Score! 

My 12 yr old bio son, who only knows my husband as DAD (my hubby adopted him when he was 5 yrs old), stood with me and watched too.  I could tell he was somewhat uncomfortable seeing the family he's always known as his own and yet none of us were there.  He has no recollection of what these two broken families looked like before it was HIS brother, his sister, his Dad, his grandma, his uncle, his cousin.

Still, these aren't our memories. My bio children and I aren't there. The family we have built over the last decade wasn't represented in that home movie. We are a family of 6.  Cherish the memories of what was?  No thanks.

Of course, this is only something a SM would understand.

Why you can't afford to ignore the importance of a daily mantra

It is what it is. 

These are such simple words apart but when strung along together, they pack quite the punch.  Aha!  Quite comparable to a stepfamily, huh?  All different and unique members brought together by chance and when they fit together, man, that's really kind of nice. 

Is that why these words resonate with me?  Nah, not even close.  Friends, lately, I'm just trying to survive each day.  If I can find a smile, that's even better.  I used to think the first year of blending our families was the hardest time in our 10 years of stepping... Boy, was I wrong!  Our teens, bio and step, have all seemed to ban together to challenge that ruling over the last year.  They can be just plain stupid.  Rumor has it, they will mature someday.

Well I'm here to SHOUT that today is not that day.  I can tell you that on this SM journey we are all on, there will be more days than not when you feel defeated.  We all know when it rains, it pours.  In SM language, that means there are torrential downpours more often than not.  Perhaps, you find yourself struggling today to stay in line with your hubby's views on parenting yours, mine and ours (there goes my night); handling a crazy BioMomster (Grrr!) or working your a$$ off only to be dismissed with, "You're just the stepmom." (Oh nice, thanks).

Been there and still there. I'm confident that I've just described a day, month or year in your life too.  All these and many more are unfortunately, normal encounters and ongoing problems in the Day of a SM.  Sometimes there are just no answers or any immediate solutions.  Tonight, let's take a SM moment by calmly raising that extra glass of vino and remind our frustrated selves, "It is what it is."

What is your favorite mantra today?

And So It Begins...

A full-time divorced mother of two sons finds true love with full-time divorced father of a daughter and son.  Just like that, the lucky in love couple marries and a new blended family was created, along with a stepmom (SM),  stepfather, the Bio exes, step-siblings, step-grandparents, and even a step-dog.   If you're reading this, you're probably starting to relate right about now.   After all, isn't this the way all new stepfamilies' stories begin? 

Now as any eager and undoubtedly delusional new stepmom would do, I began to look for answers anywhere I could.  I have been a part of a Stepfamily group, sat through many Stepfamily retreat weekends,  joined Facebook groups, anything Stepmom, I'm there.  I have spent many afternoons wandering the aisles of bookstores in search of any self-help literature out there that can assist me in being a supportive SM.  I have found several GREAT tools out there to help us when our SM worlds go wrong; however, I just need a little more than what I'm getting.

Folks, I'm a realist.  If my life is in shambles, I don't want to read about how it will be better if I pray about it.  Now, before I lose you, I am in no way discounting prayer or saying that leaning on your faith when things get rough is somehow wrong.  In fact, just the opposite.  However, when I'm caught in the eye of my family drama, that's just not what I want to do.  If my stepdaughter is lying and being manipulative, I don't want to pray for her just yet, instead I want to rip her hair out.  If my husband is being played and blind to what is happening, I want to poke his eyes out too.  If the BioMom is unleashing her terror, I want to be her worst nightmare.  Of course, this is all my in my head.  Never would any of this really ever take place because my husband and I have always allowed ourselves to be jerked around for the "sake of the kids".  You know what I'm talking about ladies.  We're classier than the BioMom, so we certainly can't rip into her the way we would normally like to if our marriages, families and children weren't at stake?  Consider this blog a safe haven to vent your frustrations and voice your dirty thoughts.  No judgment here. 

I am happy to report that I have been bravely steppin' for 10 years now but there are many occasions when this good girl gets tired of being the better person.  For once, I'd like to be the witch (with a capital B) that they claim I am!

So come on fellow SMs and meet me here for a little SM timeout.  I look forward to getting our halos dirty together because Sometimes a Stepmom just needs a Moment... or two...or three!